Good morning are you happy to see me or is that caffeine in your underwear … Wait what?

Caffeine infused underwear.. Let that soak in for a moment or not .  Why in the hell would you want caffeine in your underwear? Worse yet its being marketed as a weight loss product!

The Federal Trade Commission said Wacoal America and Norm Thompson Outfitters, which owns Sahalie and others, were accused of deceptive advertising that claimed their caffeine-impregnated clothing would cause the wearer to lose weight and have less cellulite.

The bullshit factor is in the millions range at that point because if I counted all the Caffeine in my system at any given point i’d be about 2 pounds. Bullshit_Dock_Icon_by_XakorXDOf all the weird places to put caffeine , I think it would be underwear or ass.  Who ever thought of that must of been bored beyond sanity .


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Coffee fillers…. What the hell did they learn there lesson from Pink slime?

In a world of cat and elephant shit coffee you’d expect your normal coffee to go untouched. That may be at an end.

Brazilian scientists have developed a new way of testing coffee grounds for fillers like corn, sticks (yep, as in wood), barley, and soybeans. The test, which detects the presence of sugars that wouldn’t normally be in pure java, is being presented at this week’s annual American Chemical Society meeting.

soo….. lets add some sticks and corn to my coffee and put it in the microwave …. mmmm Pop-tea-coffee-corn.  Not that this practice has been in use in the US yet. But if there is a test developed it means its in the pipeline.

“Adulterated coffee is something I’ve suspected in some work I’ve done in Russia and the Middle East, where there’s an extreme price point set for consumer products,” says Andrew Hetzel, a coffee industry consultant who leads training courses for the Coffee Quality Institute.

I guess we will all have to watch out for dunkin donuts and the like saying “CHECK OUT OUR NEW FLAVORS!” oh wait..

Dunkin Donuts to Launch First Hot Dark-Roast Coffee

Dunkin’ Donuts to Sell New Dark-Roast Nationwide Next Month

Dunkin’ Donuts, long known for its light coffee, is going dark, in the latest move to poach customers in the escalating java wars.

The unit of Dunkin’ Brands Group Inc. debuted its new dark-roast coffee, the first hot dark roast in its 64-year history, on Thursday at a Modesto, Calif., store, and plans to sell it nationwide starting Sept. 22.

Dunkin’ says the dark roast represents its most important coffee launch since it came…

Are coffees going to have the wonderful labels of common products that you don’t understand . Here’s a short list you might not want to read.

  • Polydimethylsiloxane

This is a common fast food additive, you’ll find PDMS include Silly Putty, anti-foaming agents, breast implants, dry-cleaning solutions, silicone and head-lice treatments. Yummy! 

  • Castoreum (You almost don’t want to know this one…)

Beaver anal juice can be commonly found in perfumes and colognes but are also sometimes used in raspberry products to enhance their flavor. wait what??  It can also be found in chewing gum and cigarettes. So the next time you have some gum or a cigarette folks … remember you are sucking beaver ass! Mmmmmmm….It is hard to imagine beaver anal juice enhancing the flavor of raspberries.

  • Silicon dioxide

Ever go to the beach and get sand in the crack of your ass that just wont go away ? Well, Silicon dioxide is added to coffee creamers.. While not gross, it ends up as fucking weird. its also in soups and salads. Maybe I just might bring a spoon to a beach and enjoy the seashore.

Ready to spit out beer? than read on ..

  • methylparaben

Find methylparaben in many wines, soft drinks, and fruit juice from concentrate… Enjoy it knowing that the additive originates in the vaginas of dogs when they are in heat. From the beavers ass to a dogs vagina.. mmmmmm…

  • Shellac

Secretions from the female Lac beetle used to finish wood products. Used as a candy coating…

So that’s what kind of fun is in foods that are preprocessed.  But all in all even if you did not know what you were ingesting..  No need to loose our fucking minds until they start adding raw dog shit as an ingredient.

 

In the end this list proves that there is no reason to add anything to coffee. Even though Arabica beans production is down this year by 10% there is no given reason to add sticks or any other random shit to coffee unless your rich, than you can add all the cat and elephant ass to your coffee you want.


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Elephant shit coffee….. How about no?

When I learned of cat shit coffee I had a good laugh. 50$ for cat shitted coffee … awesome! Kopi Luwak may be a good tasting coffee but it will not outlive the connotations of where it came from.

thumbA Kopi Luwak maker in action.

Now they are trying to get elephants in on the deal and are selling this coffee at a premium. We can thank forbes for this intuitive article ….

In Thailand, a company called Black Ivory Coffee has 20 elephants eat coffee beans and crap out the seeds. They are then harvested (lovingly, I’m sure) from small mountains of elephant droppings and then processed into coffee that runs $275 for 30 espresso cups, or about half a gallon of coffee on the top end. The company selling it tries to talk consumers into buying a special $299 coffee brewer because, after all, when you’re spending hundreds of dollars on special coffee, you want a special way to brew it.

At some point or another this is going to pique the interest of the lower end coffee companies and they are going off on there own tangent in labs to make strange coffees to scare the average consumer into drinking something else.

At any given point you will see dunkin donuts and starbucks hanging around zoos trying there hand in the top in coffee markets and not really give a shit but they will sure take one to get into this market.

elephant-poopThe new Dunkin Donuts fast brew station with miralax speed

Does this coffee taste good? It likely does.. have you ever wanted to tell a stock broker or a CEO  to eat shit?  You likely don’t have to , They already have and liked it.  It must be strange to be sitting around and saying well if cats can make coffee why not elephants. Next thing it will be is Cow Shit Coffee , Ferret fart coffee, Zippy Zebra coffee, As there will be buyers lined up around the block with wallets stuffed if it gets enough fanfare.


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More coffee….. We all need it some days.

Since I’ve moved into my new place, I have a conundrum for the ages.  As a drinker or better said a former drinker of outside coffee because I was too impatient to wait for the coffee pot , have the coffee cool down than make it into an iced coffee. I’ve bought coffees from almost every major company that served iced coffee.  But as the years press on and the coffee gets watered and cheapened its getting very hard to make a choice , Now i can’t blame the companies , Its more over the franchisees . There are problems all around, They have crazy employee turnover and skip on machines in order to earn more money.

stooges-1

Formally, You’d have well trained employees that could manipulate the machines , now they just do whatever the hell they please when making coffee. For the milk and cream containers they have straws that need to be cut to a certain length , You just do not see that anymore, also the portioning has gone fucking nuts. Dunkin Donuts for explain if you ask for extra sugar , You summon the Brimley god and have to sign a contract.

WilfordBrimleyI’ve said in other post that i’ve sort of cracked the enigma code of ordering from dunkin donuts, if you look at the receipts they do not list regular sugar/ Medium sugar /Extra sugar/Extra super Diabeetus sugar.  If you watch the cash register when you order a coffee you will see the coffee droid press the Sugar button with a fix amount of sugar 1 2 3 4 5 6 sugars normally, I’ve seen these go higher. For the poor souls that do not know this system and ask for extra extra sugar they normally get this in there coffee!

SugarThere maybe a dunkin donuts under that pile! After they get a bulldozer to check where it is .

Honey Dew on the other hand 95% of the time they are fairly good repulsing the Brimley god away, Even asking for extra sugar the does not quake with the Eventual resurrection of the Brimley god.  On a rare occasion at honey dew though you will get a new worker that makes the mistake of it but they are whipped tortured and appeased to the brimley god so he does not rise. My only problem with honey dew these days is travel time. I walk or ride my bike so its a little bit of a huff to get to my preferred coffee. Though my bike was just stolen not too long ago. So my options are not really that great right now due to limited travel and health issues and being disabled does not help me get a bike .

imageccsStarbucks ….. Is …. Special , there is no way about this, they are just damn special.  The last time I attempted getting coffee from there was a failure on all levels. Ten monkeys on miralax had a better chance of getting my coffee, I walked in thinking hey no line, A guy working on a particle physics book and 5 workers…. I thought to myself “this just might work” The person in front of me ordered a simple coffee and I thought this will be quick.  I have no idea of the mental breakdown between five workers and two customers could reach critical mass this easy. So after standing around watching these coffee baristas in action, THis is where all things started going down hill. Out of the 5 coffee droids 4 had short outs and the register droid was broken as well. The order was made and from Cashout to coffee serve was longer than 10 minutes. I have never seen so many question in my life about an order and I tried to be patient. While Starbucks is a bit higher in price i was  ready to pay the premium to avoid Dunkin Gonuts.  Wrong move there, I should of just rolled around in coffee grinds while forcing K-cups into my eyes. I ended up leaving ten minutes into this exorcize of watching how coffee is made by professionals.

 

imageszzThis was the final straw, I’ve gone to making my own iced coffee. Sure it has a learning curve, but the money savings are excellent. In 3 weeks i’ve only bought myself coffee outside the house 2 times and both were goooooood.

bruce-almighty-its-goooodYou can make your coffee any damn way you want it . Even if you want nuclear death coffee or coffee that you can mess with genetics with and rewrite the base of the universe. Overall i’ve spent 10 dollars on making my own coffee and its worked out really well.  I keep perfecting  my coffee to the taste i want. which is pretty much Stronger than all of the coffee shops aaround without tasting like burnt donkey ass (starbucks) Coffee Flavored Water (dunkin)  Or A fairly ok Coffee for day to day that i miss (Honey Dew) .  But the savings are extreme by making your own coffee…. I’ve likely been saving somewhere around 5$ a day by avoiding coffee shops.

 

Note: this post was made at 4:30, I’m half brain-dead.

With a new place to live i am testing more ways to make coffee and trying to replicate drinks from coffee places and see what I can come up with.  I have pretty much nailed down iced coffee to perfection of what i want.

 

In two and a half weeks my wallet is also noticing that i am saving money on my attempt to make my own coffee,  From my own math so far in 2.5 weeks if i had gone to a store for coffee everyday I would of spent over 70.40 in coffee , Thats fucking insane,  Since I’ve started this i’ve spent less than 15$ for coffee and still have half a bag left.

I am curious to see where this goes and see how much of a savings there is by the 21st of this month… Lets see…

Coffee post to follow up shortly!


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The price of coffee and you.

About 3 years ago the price of coffee went up in all the coffee places around, which was understandable due to the market price of coffee went through the fucking roof.  now that the markets are going back up yet again chains are putting there coffee prices slightly higher, the problem is the prices never went back down when the price of coffee (commodity) went down.93b697f3caee4a86d9e698bf9d3fbac4Yes the prices have jumped for year 2014 but look at the price in 2011 , we should of seen a decrease in those prices. I know someone will say BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THE OTHER PRICES. Oil has stayed somewhat stable but what ever the fuck they do to increase on that is always a mystery, its like someone goes “SHIT the suns out SOMEONE INCREASE GAS PRICES QUICK!” . Milk prices are slightly up and there is a multitude of reasons for that that could get its own post, but considering the milk to coffee ratio it would have a lesser effect on the total price.

Funny-Money-45A lot of the times companies find the easy way to raise the price of things is “insert random thing happening here to a small portion of the total that really doesn’t have on effect on the thing in question”. Bob shit himself again.. RAISE PRICES! of all the times I’ve read about oil refinery fires and how they are going to spike gas prices , doing a little research you find out that said refinery is only responsible for 0.1% of total fuel production, that makes you go WTF are they making there?  It seems every other commodity market has gone into the practice of manufactured disasters or some sort of market manipulation to increase prices.

 

CWT financed ten rounds of herd retirements from 2003 to 2010, during which CWT was responsible for removing over 500,000 cows from production, reducing the nation’s milk supply by approximately 10 billion pounds…. By the end of the program in 2010, it was responsible for a cumulative increase in milk price revenue of $9.55 billion.

That resulted in a class action suit for price fixing. Since its not about supply and demand, its more over about money and more money.  So at this point I’ll stick to making my coffee at home.

 


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Dunkin Donuts unveils coffee flavored donuts …….. WTF?

Apparently Dunkin Donuts just does not get it… they have completely lost connection with there customer base.  They have released a Coffee flavored donut… Denis Leary has an opinion to this new donut.

Denis LearyDunkin Donuts has lost there fucking minds.  They are going to make coffee flavored donuts but not coffee fucking flavored coffee. Most dunkin donuts you walk into you have a shot in the dark on getting a coffee that is remotely drinkable for long.  Generally when you order and iced coffee and use the system of dunkin donuts that they have , You can get an ok flavored coffee but when its hot outside by the time you walk 50 feet from the store you are drinking coffee water.  Its an annoying prospect, it makes you want to fire your coffee like a hand grenade that really has no gratification.

The Glazed Coffee Creme donut is made with a glazed yeast shell and filled with coffee buttercream. It’s topped with a drizzle of chocolate icing. The Coffee, Creme & Sugar Donut is also made with a glazed yeast shell and stuffed with coffee butter creme and topped with powdered sugar. The two donuts will only be available for a limited time at participating Dunkin’ Donuts locations.

At a guess these donuts maybe a better flavor than their coffee , who knows I might stick a straw into a donut and just see.  Honey Dew donuts on the other hand has gone to another extreme they have made a Maple Bacon donut.. Breakfast overload! They are not fucking around…

omg-bacon-funny-catWhile bacon is good, Putting bacon on everything on the fucking planet just doesn’t work all the time.

  82442934

No!baconlube1

WTF?bb3

MMMMM bacon tits…. but no.BaconSandwichYES! FUCKING BACON SANDWICH…

Anyways… enough bacon.. Dunkin Donuts is so proud of their new donuts they have put out a press release for it .

Dunkin’ Donuts also unveiled new Coffee Creme Donuts, the brand’s first donuts made with Dunkin’ Donuts’ famous Original Blend Coffee.

Utoh… re-read that… made with Dunkin’ Donuts’ famous Original Blend Coffee.. Joy! Boiled ass in donut form now! Rather than fuck with a time tested recipe for donuts .. why not make… COFFEE??? If Denis Leary walked into a dunkin donuts right now he’d go on a rampage , smoke 17 packs of cigarettes than go on the hunt for the elusive coffee flavored coffee.

Mind you these day the closest coffee places to me are Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks… its like a personal hell of coffee drinking, I’ve gone from getting coffee out of the house to getting coffee from the coffee maker. The last trip I made to starbucks was a 15 minute wait while 5 people could not figure out how to make coffee…. it was a strange and awe inspiring journey into a strange land, my hope for coffee places fades as they fuck about, I am  waiting for the release of Bacon flavored sour patch kid coffee from either place at this rate.


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Coffee musings….. Dunkin Donuts Vs Honey Dew Donuts.

I just realized something… it’s fucked up alright…. Yes , there has not been a coffee post in ages…

For the coffeecommander to make such an error .. this has to be fixed for the one that drinks more coffee than the combined amount of water in the great lakes..

Now for my situation has changed and I’ve had to take some concessions… While I do have access to Honey Dew Donuts at times due to the harsh winter I’ve had to goto Dunkin Donuts …. A lot.. The problem is most cities and towns will bitch when residents do not shovel their walk, Yet when a business does not do it they seem to get a blind eye.  With the choice of walk to dunkin while getting killed because you have to walk in the road versus walking triple the distance in the road and getting killed because its a major artery through the city, I chose the lesser of two chances of death .  But, With that I take an even greater risk with my coffee. I usually order the same coffee year around, and being there so much you’d think one of the donut droids would get my coffee after a time? FUCK NO… they say its easy to order a coffee from Fuckin Gonuts.

dunkindonuts

This picture I’ve posted makes it look easy… but, You have a better chance of beating Arnold Schwarzenegger at one liners. At first I’d order my coffee like I used to when I had a Honey Dew down the street. Large iced coffee , Large , Milk with sugar on the dark side..

740d97f4362ea6c23f5feadb401a043b0f353bd11a82a453a2c8e6173a09f83cI’ve always ordered my coffee on the dark side because it keeps them from making the same screwed up mistake you’d think they would learn after the nine billionth time, If you try to match consistency with cream with milk, that’s not coffee you’re getting.   You’re getting a milk flavored with coffee at that point. I’ve tried everything with drunkin donuts to get my coffees right and its just a miracle when they did until I noticed something. When they ring your order up to make it they go through a very convoluted route to do so with the register. I don’t know if they track coffee metrics if there is such a thing, but they do take your order through the register with stunning accuracy. but, that’s where the accuracy ends.

ReceiptHalfIf you look at this example receipt, Its very telling to an anal level. One hot coffee medium 1 skim milk 2 equal.  Again… why the hell that’s on the receipt is beyond me .  I really don’t think its for customer gratification.. I can’t see someone opening a coffee and slamming the receipt down yelling about how there was only supposed to be 2 equal in there but he can taste 5.  As soon as your order completes the next steps as far as a dunkin droid making your coffee is near black magic as far as I can figure.  But using terms like “regular milk”, “Extra sugar” and dark gets you a fucking science project every time where you can only guess the contents.  There are very few dunkin donuts I trust to order a coffee with little input as possible, very rarely I’ll say at dunkin donuts “large iced coffee, milk, with sugar.” Getting back to the register though.. If you order your coffee and with somewhat fair amount of consistency, and you are a regular at a particular dunkin donuts. Watch the register, if you see what the person puts in on the amount of Milk or cream (pick your poison) and sugar. By watching that you can go back to that dunkin donuts and with some amount of accuracy you can get a repeat performance on coffee service.  Asking for regular milk on the numbers they input into their registers I’ve seen everything from 3 to 7 on that. funnier is the machines they use are funny as hell because calibration is different from week to week and even day to day at times, You’d think with a machine to help along the process to make your coffee they would be pretty static on how much milk is in your coffee.  Not even close..  Asking for 1 milk one day will sometimes get you this much

il_570xN.511421575_tead about a thimbles worth..

or

MILK TRUCK FLORIDA TANKER, Drink Florida Fresh Milk Tanker Truck,Dairy Farm Cow Raw Milk PickupThis monster fuckload of milk

Sugar of course has the same issues at dunkin. I cut down on sugar completely after having coffee with more than an inch of sugar in the bottom.  So again at dunkin donuts I have mitigated how much sugar by going by numbers. its not fool proof but it works.

diabeetusSaying extra sugar at dunkin donuts appeases the Brimely Overlord.

It all feels like a damn science to order a damn coffee from Dunkin Donuts, At honey dew  I’ve never had that issue and even if they do screw up usually its a one timer if you turn up again.

The final point on dunkin donuts and honey dews coffee is the most confusing one. they both order from the same distributor for their grinds… yet, the coffees are so astronomically different its confounding. If you let your ice melt in a dunkin donuts coffee the flavor is just … water coffee… there’s no way around it the coffee is done.  If you do the same with honey dew, even after the ice as melted you still get a pretty good tasting -ice coffee.

So, at this point i cant wait for warmer weather and a bit of a longer walk for better coffee , I’d just rather have good taste than need a mathematics and science degree to order a fucking coffee.


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Wow.. I’ve not had a coffee post in a looong time.

You’d Figure with a name like Coffeecommander. I’d post about coffee more. Well, Today is a good day for coffee, As any day is.  With the price of coffee going up and nearly needing a loan, Honey Dew Donuts has an really good coupon this month..

This months coupon is a Free upgrade on any Iced Coffee.(opens in new window)

source: Published on Honey Dew Donuts (http://www.honeydewdonuts.com)

 

 

 


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The Price of Coffee and You.

In the last couple of years you may have noticed that a cup of coffee is not exactly cheap anymore. What used to be under $2.00$ is now over $2.50 or higher.

This is a many part problem, on the one hand you have weather and whatnot but that does not affect the longterm supplies as there is always next year and so on. On the other hand you have the stock market which is now played like the worlds largest and most expensive slot machine. In the end Both hands play together and effect you.

When a crop of coffee is destroyed and mass media picks it up they generally don’t play the news in a way that is helpful to the average person . instead they go on a just about myspace approach and say “OMG COFFEE GOT BLOWN UP ZOMG THERES NO MORE COFFEE OMG PRICES RISE!!!”  well the problem with that is its one crop in some place in the world. But, if you take the news at stock you’d be going “shit… thats going to hurt.”  Coffee is grown world wide. From the National coffee association of USA Coffee is grown in about 50 countries . In the last year coffee commodities  has have rose about 70% due to speculators looking for a pay-off with any commodity.  The problem with that is speculators tend to  buy up the coffee at unheard of rates than force the price up , the problem is that people that don’t even sell coffee have the ability to buy up coffee in the stock market, I could see if they had a limit cap on this but they don’t many other foods fall into this trap where they get bought up and sold and resold to the point of insanity.

Soon the only way to get a good cup of coffee is bleeding your self to death at a blood donation center, Giving blood is not a half bad idea but.. the price of coffee should not require you to give a damn kidney.

I’ve never liked the idea of speculators, because of the control they can assert over a market. Commodities should have some limit cap to outside buyers that have no reason to purchase coffee. to lock speculators out would be a bad thing but, limiting the damage they can do in the whole scale of things.

the reason i say limits is it makes the market much harder to game and force the prices way the fuck up .

Even dunkin donuts knows a bad thing when they see it

“Something as simple as a good cup of coffee at a fair price is under threat today because of intense pressure by hedge funds and other speculators,” said Ed O’Rourke, chief procurement officer for Dunkin’ Donuts National DCP LLC, a franchise-owned cooperative that handles purchasing and distribution to more than 6,000 Dunkin’ Donuts and Baskin Robbins outletsnationwide, in a Dec. 14 letter to the CFTC.

Honestly,  it seems like the stock markets are based in fantasy as far as the “Recovery”, and speculators are NOT helping things .


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This post has been brought to you by coffee

image

After a hot day its a cool night for coffee
I’ve been screwing around with my new phone so post as of late will make less sense than elder fudd on lsd


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