Elephant shit coffee….. How about no?

When I learned of cat shit coffee I had a good laugh. 50$ for cat shitted coffee … awesome! Kopi Luwak may be a good tasting coffee but it will not outlive the connotations of where it came from.

thumbA Kopi Luwak maker in action.

Now they are trying to get elephants in on the deal and are selling this coffee at a premium. We can thank forbes for this intuitive article ….

In Thailand, a company called Black Ivory Coffee has 20 elephants eat coffee beans and crap out the seeds. They are then harvested (lovingly, I’m sure) from small mountains of elephant droppings and then processed into coffee that runs $275 for 30 espresso cups, or about half a gallon of coffee on the top end. The company selling it tries to talk consumers into buying a special $299 coffee brewer because, after all, when you’re spending hundreds of dollars on special coffee, you want a special way to brew it.

At some point or another this is going to pique the interest of the lower end coffee companies and they are going off on there own tangent in labs to make strange coffees to scare the average consumer into drinking something else.

At any given point you will see dunkin donuts and starbucks hanging around zoos trying there hand in the top in coffee markets and not really give a shit but they will sure take one to get into this market.

elephant-poopThe new Dunkin Donuts fast brew station with miralax speed

Does this coffee taste good? It likely does.. have you ever wanted to tell a stock broker or a CEO  to eat shit?  You likely don’t have to , They already have and liked it.  It must be strange to be sitting around and saying well if cats can make coffee why not elephants. Next thing it will be is Cow Shit Coffee , Ferret fart coffee, Zippy Zebra coffee, As there will be buyers lined up around the block with wallets stuffed if it gets enough fanfare.

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More coffee….. We all need it some days.

Since I’ve moved into my new place, I have a conundrum for the ages.  As a drinker or better said a former drinker of outside coffee because I was too impatient to wait for the coffee pot , have the coffee cool down than make it into an iced coffee. I’ve bought coffees from almost every major company that served iced coffee.  But as the years press on and the coffee gets watered and cheapened its getting very hard to make a choice , Now i can’t blame the companies , Its more over the franchisees . There are problems all around, They have crazy employee turnover and skip on machines in order to earn more money.


Formally, You’d have well trained employees that could manipulate the machines , now they just do whatever the hell they please when making coffee. For the milk and cream containers they have straws that need to be cut to a certain length , You just do not see that anymore, also the portioning has gone fucking nuts. Dunkin Donuts for explain if you ask for extra sugar , You summon the Brimley god and have to sign a contract.

WilfordBrimleyI’ve said in other post that i’ve sort of cracked the enigma code of ordering from dunkin donuts, if you look at the receipts they do not list regular sugar/ Medium sugar /Extra sugar/Extra super Diabeetus sugar.  If you watch the cash register when you order a coffee you will see the coffee droid press the Sugar button with a fix amount of sugar 1 2 3 4 5 6 sugars normally, I’ve seen these go higher. For the poor souls that do not know this system and ask for extra extra sugar they normally get this in there coffee!

SugarThere maybe a dunkin donuts under that pile! After they get a bulldozer to check where it is .

Honey Dew on the other hand 95% of the time they are fairly good repulsing the Brimley god away, Even asking for extra sugar the does not quake with the Eventual resurrection of the Brimley god.  On a rare occasion at honey dew though you will get a new worker that makes the mistake of it but they are whipped tortured and appeased to the brimley god so he does not rise. My only problem with honey dew these days is travel time. I walk or ride my bike so its a little bit of a huff to get to my preferred coffee. Though my bike was just stolen not too long ago. So my options are not really that great right now due to limited travel and health issues and being disabled does not help me get a bike .

imageccsStarbucks ….. Is …. Special , there is no way about this, they are just damn special.  The last time I attempted getting coffee from there was a failure on all levels. Ten monkeys on miralax had a better chance of getting my coffee, I walked in thinking hey no line, A guy working on a particle physics book and 5 workers…. I thought to myself “this just might work” The person in front of me ordered a simple coffee and I thought this will be quick.  I have no idea of the mental breakdown between five workers and two customers could reach critical mass this easy. So after standing around watching these coffee baristas in action, THis is where all things started going down hill. Out of the 5 coffee droids 4 had short outs and the register droid was broken as well. The order was made and from Cashout to coffee serve was longer than 10 minutes. I have never seen so many question in my life about an order and I tried to be patient. While Starbucks is a bit higher in price i was  ready to pay the premium to avoid Dunkin Gonuts.  Wrong move there, I should of just rolled around in coffee grinds while forcing K-cups into my eyes. I ended up leaving ten minutes into this exorcize of watching how coffee is made by professionals.


imageszzThis was the final straw, I’ve gone to making my own iced coffee. Sure it has a learning curve, but the money savings are excellent. In 3 weeks i’ve only bought myself coffee outside the house 2 times and both were goooooood.

bruce-almighty-its-goooodYou can make your coffee any damn way you want it . Even if you want nuclear death coffee or coffee that you can mess with genetics with and rewrite the base of the universe. Overall i’ve spent 10 dollars on making my own coffee and its worked out really well.  I keep perfecting  my coffee to the taste i want. which is pretty much Stronger than all of the coffee shops aaround without tasting like burnt donkey ass (starbucks) Coffee Flavored Water (dunkin)  Or A fairly ok Coffee for day to day that i miss (Honey Dew) .  But the savings are extreme by making your own coffee…. I’ve likely been saving somewhere around 5$ a day by avoiding coffee shops.


Note: this post was made at 4:30, I’m half brain-dead.

With a new place to live i am testing more ways to make coffee and trying to replicate drinks from coffee places and see what I can come up with.  I have pretty much nailed down iced coffee to perfection of what i want.


In two and a half weeks my wallet is also noticing that i am saving money on my attempt to make my own coffee,  From my own math so far in 2.5 weeks if i had gone to a store for coffee everyday I would of spent over 70.40 in coffee , Thats fucking insane,  Since I’ve started this i’ve spent less than 15$ for coffee and still have half a bag left.

I am curious to see where this goes and see how much of a savings there is by the 21st of this month… Lets see…

Coffee post to follow up shortly!

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Dunkin Donuts unveils coffee flavored donuts …….. WTF?

Apparently Dunkin Donuts just does not get it… they have completely lost connection with there customer base.  They have released a Coffee flavored donut… Denis Leary has an opinion to this new donut.

Denis LearyDunkin Donuts has lost there fucking minds.  They are going to make coffee flavored donuts but not coffee fucking flavored coffee. Most dunkin donuts you walk into you have a shot in the dark on getting a coffee that is remotely drinkable for long.  Generally when you order and iced coffee and use the system of dunkin donuts that they have , You can get an ok flavored coffee but when its hot outside by the time you walk 50 feet from the store you are drinking coffee water.  Its an annoying prospect, it makes you want to fire your coffee like a hand grenade that really has no gratification.

The Glazed Coffee Creme donut is made with a glazed yeast shell and filled with coffee buttercream. It’s topped with a drizzle of chocolate icing. The Coffee, Creme & Sugar Donut is also made with a glazed yeast shell and stuffed with coffee butter creme and topped with powdered sugar. The two donuts will only be available for a limited time at participating Dunkin’ Donuts locations.

At a guess these donuts maybe a better flavor than their coffee , who knows I might stick a straw into a donut and just see.  Honey Dew donuts on the other hand has gone to another extreme they have made a Maple Bacon donut.. Breakfast overload! They are not fucking around…

omg-bacon-funny-catWhile bacon is good, Putting bacon on everything on the fucking planet just doesn’t work all the time.




MMMMM bacon tits…. but no.BaconSandwichYES! FUCKING BACON SANDWICH…

Anyways… enough bacon.. Dunkin Donuts is so proud of their new donuts they have put out a press release for it .

Dunkin’ Donuts also unveiled new Coffee Creme Donuts, the brand’s first donuts made with Dunkin’ Donuts’ famous Original Blend Coffee.

Utoh… re-read that… made with Dunkin’ Donuts’ famous Original Blend Coffee.. Joy! Boiled ass in donut form now! Rather than fuck with a time tested recipe for donuts .. why not make… COFFEE??? If Denis Leary walked into a dunkin donuts right now he’d go on a rampage , smoke 17 packs of cigarettes than go on the hunt for the elusive coffee flavored coffee.

Mind you these day the closest coffee places to me are Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks… its like a personal hell of coffee drinking, I’ve gone from getting coffee out of the house to getting coffee from the coffee maker. The last trip I made to starbucks was a 15 minute wait while 5 people could not figure out how to make coffee…. it was a strange and awe inspiring journey into a strange land, my hope for coffee places fades as they fuck about, I am  waiting for the release of Bacon flavored sour patch kid coffee from either place at this rate.

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Coffee musings….. Dunkin Donuts Vs Honey Dew Donuts.

I just realized something… it’s fucked up alright…. Yes , there has not been a coffee post in ages…

For the coffeecommander to make such an error .. this has to be fixed for the one that drinks more coffee than the combined amount of water in the great lakes..

Now for my situation has changed and I’ve had to take some concessions… While I do have access to Honey Dew Donuts at times due to the harsh winter I’ve had to goto Dunkin Donuts …. A lot.. The problem is most cities and towns will bitch when residents do not shovel their walk, Yet when a business does not do it they seem to get a blind eye.  With the choice of walk to dunkin while getting killed because you have to walk in the road versus walking triple the distance in the road and getting killed because its a major artery through the city, I chose the lesser of two chances of death .  But, With that I take an even greater risk with my coffee. I usually order the same coffee year around, and being there so much you’d think one of the donut droids would get my coffee after a time? FUCK NO… they say its easy to order a coffee from Fuckin Gonuts.


This picture I’ve posted makes it look easy… but, You have a better chance of beating Arnold Schwarzenegger at one liners. At first I’d order my coffee like I used to when I had a Honey Dew down the street. Large iced coffee , Large , Milk with sugar on the dark side..

740d97f4362ea6c23f5feadb401a043b0f353bd11a82a453a2c8e6173a09f83cI’ve always ordered my coffee on the dark side because it keeps them from making the same screwed up mistake you’d think they would learn after the nine billionth time, If you try to match consistency with cream with milk, that’s not coffee you’re getting.   You’re getting a milk flavored with coffee at that point. I’ve tried everything with drunkin donuts to get my coffees right and its just a miracle when they did until I noticed something. When they ring your order up to make it they go through a very convoluted route to do so with the register. I don’t know if they track coffee metrics if there is such a thing, but they do take your order through the register with stunning accuracy. but, that’s where the accuracy ends.

ReceiptHalfIf you look at this example receipt, Its very telling to an anal level. One hot coffee medium 1 skim milk 2 equal.  Again… why the hell that’s on the receipt is beyond me .  I really don’t think its for customer gratification.. I can’t see someone opening a coffee and slamming the receipt down yelling about how there was only supposed to be 2 equal in there but he can taste 5.  As soon as your order completes the next steps as far as a dunkin droid making your coffee is near black magic as far as I can figure.  But using terms like “regular milk”, “Extra sugar” and dark gets you a fucking science project every time where you can only guess the contents.  There are very few dunkin donuts I trust to order a coffee with little input as possible, very rarely I’ll say at dunkin donuts “large iced coffee, milk, with sugar.” Getting back to the register though.. If you order your coffee and with somewhat fair amount of consistency, and you are a regular at a particular dunkin donuts. Watch the register, if you see what the person puts in on the amount of Milk or cream (pick your poison) and sugar. By watching that you can go back to that dunkin donuts and with some amount of accuracy you can get a repeat performance on coffee service.  Asking for regular milk on the numbers they input into their registers I’ve seen everything from 3 to 7 on that. funnier is the machines they use are funny as hell because calibration is different from week to week and even day to day at times, You’d think with a machine to help along the process to make your coffee they would be pretty static on how much milk is in your coffee.  Not even close..  Asking for 1 milk one day will sometimes get you this much

il_570xN.511421575_tead about a thimbles worth..


MILK TRUCK FLORIDA TANKER, Drink Florida Fresh Milk Tanker Truck,Dairy Farm Cow Raw Milk PickupThis monster fuckload of milk

Sugar of course has the same issues at dunkin. I cut down on sugar completely after having coffee with more than an inch of sugar in the bottom.  So again at dunkin donuts I have mitigated how much sugar by going by numbers. its not fool proof but it works.

diabeetusSaying extra sugar at dunkin donuts appeases the Brimely Overlord.

It all feels like a damn science to order a damn coffee from Dunkin Donuts, At honey dew  I’ve never had that issue and even if they do screw up usually its a one timer if you turn up again.

The final point on dunkin donuts and honey dews coffee is the most confusing one. they both order from the same distributor for their grinds… yet, the coffees are so astronomically different its confounding. If you let your ice melt in a dunkin donuts coffee the flavor is just … water coffee… there’s no way around it the coffee is done.  If you do the same with honey dew, even after the ice as melted you still get a pretty good tasting -ice coffee.

So, at this point i cant wait for warmer weather and a bit of a longer walk for better coffee , I’d just rather have good taste than need a mathematics and science degree to order a fucking coffee.

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Dunkin Gonuts advertising gone wild.

Apparently dunkin donuts is trying smell based ads , I guess we can be thankful that its not taco bell .. Though i could imagine that ad as cheech marin and Tommy Chong shitting their brains out and going “duuuude yo quiero taco bell”.  I’m just not sure on this one but, since it’s based in another country perhaps they have a better smell than most dunkin donuts i’ve gone to around here. I’ve come to a bit of a truce with dunkin donuts and they have seemed to have learned there lesson from serving boiled cat vomit.  Since a few year back when bluesteel and I were getting consistent bad coffee(read: bad milk, watercoffee etc) we swore off dunkin for quite the few years.

Its just weird to try to use advertising by smell, and the jingle don’t they do enough already? They would likely tattoo the back of eyeballs and forehead if they thought it would sell more coffee with the logic of getting more impressions.  Seriously instead of coming up with random shit like this , improve the coffee and the people will come, otherwise you will just piss people off on there way to work with this and they will just wait till they can get to the coffee at work.

Rather than put your ads everywhere and go into visual overload or just plain lying,  improve the product. In burger king the other they removed the wall painting to add vinyl pictures of people having a meal on the wall and the first thing I thought about them is “what the fuck fast food joint has this kind of service” since the pictures on the wall were a large salad in a metal mesh bowl, people with smiles drinking out of glasses, and burgers that had no bearing on burgerking it self, it was more to remind you, If you spent this money at a real restaurant this is what you could of had for $8.

Maybe in europe they have that kind of service, but not here. As i’ve said – Improve your service and product, and not try to play the follow the leader or someone on acid thought of a really cool idea for advertising stoned off there ass. Divert 10% of your ad budget to the people and the products and you will create a better impression than trying to give the image of a good impression on TV that you know was thought up while people laughed and say  we don’t do this shit.

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Dunkin Donuts Focus’s on making good coffee…. NAH…

Apparently dunkin donuts is trying out new ad based system in order to up there sales, rather than trying to make there coffee not suck.  I used to goto dunkin donuts all the time. Over time there coffee got worse and worse.  I found that honey dew donuts had much better focus on coffee rather than carpet bombing the nation with dunkin donuts.

Dunkin’ Brands, the Canton company that operates the Dunkin’ Donuts and Baskin-Robbins chains, said it is marking the official opening of its 15,000th store today.

Anyways rather than make coffee they are investing in a system which uses camera and reconizes the person.

Ad targeting is coming to a store near you.

In the latest effort to tailor ads to specific consumers, marketers are starting to personalize in-store promotions based on products the consumer recently picked off a shelf or purchased — and in the near future, based on what the shopper looks like.

The problem with dunkin donuts is they have given up on making an acceptable brand and would rather just plop down coffee stores every 10 feet from each other.  After there “you kin do it” campaign, they seem to be still trying to get new customers even through dunkin has gone way downhill. but this new marketing is funny they are trying effectivly a popup ad which you know how well those work.

Really, is this sort of advertising needed ? NO!, Most people who go into dunkin donuts have already decided what they want weither its a coffee (if you can call it that). but, needing video camera for serving ads wtf?

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You kin do it! donuts *barf*

Dunkin Donuts is at it again with  a new advertising campaign but,  I can’t help but laugh every time I’ve seen the commercials. “You kin do it!” But, Seeing the words makes me think of another thing besides brand recognition.

Dunkin Donuts has appearently spent $100million on this new campaign which i find funny. The Waterboy movie on the otherhand spent $23 million making the movie and by any figure the 18 seconds of time Rob Shneider spent saying that line in the movie cost $76662.  Dunkin spent $100,000,000 on this so far in three 30 second TV spots.  So really it would be just cheaper to hire Rob Shneider for 90 Seconds at $383,310 vs $100 million. And people wonder why businesses are crying for a bailout?


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“Dunkin’ Donuts lookin’ out for java lovers” Are they trying to find some ….

Or are they kidnapping them and forcing them to forms of torture that they wouldn’t even do in Guantanamo bay? Dunkin Donuts has been known for serving coffee that taste like burnt ass or as bluesteel would say my old cesspool.  Apparently they have a special going on which i find kind of funny since this article states that dunkin donuts is looking out for the java loving joe

From the article,

When times are tough and money’s tight – don’t despair, Dunkin’ Donuts has your back.

For a moment i thought to myself Interesting but, I read further..

Today the coffee giant ushers in an era of cheap lattes to get you through the afternoon energy slump. Starting this afternoon, DD will offer 99-cent small lattes between the hours of 2 p.m. – 5 p.m., available in caramel, mocha or pumpkin. It’s apparently available for a “limited time only.

Look closely at that… somethings wrong… Oh yeah No normal person can get a coffee in those hours unless they work 2nd or 3rd shift,  I can see that fly at an office “hey boss I’m going to get myself a cheap coffee at dunkin, ok?” as the boss glares at you and says sit down asshat and drink the office coffee. Although I think the final comment was the kicker..

And check this out to read about other ways New Yorkers are cutting costs as the economy crumbles

Just what we need, people tweaked out on coffee as the stock market goes in the toilet or is that goes to the toilet after having cheap dunkin donuts latte?  My thought on this is Ditch the dunkin and either make your own coffee or find a local mom and pop coffee shop, often times there cheaper and will apprecaite your money alot more than dunkin donuts or starbucks would.

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