Things feel bleak in my corner of the world. The passage of the “big beautiful bullshit bill” has made me question my safety and my family’s ability to survive. Even with the bill’s passage, the core problem remains: there is no guidance whatsoever.
Moreover, there is a weekly drumbeat. Complete and utter deafening chaos. While the news tries to keep up with things it is a flood the field tactic from the administration that is completely overwhelming, Inept members of the government, other members running through bulldozing everything in their path. Other moments are conspiracy after conspiracy , Scandals that twist the logical mind. Conflicts of interest, Acting like a certain dictator from WWII .
Now the latest scandal, which really isnt new. It’s just bubbled to the surface as things tend to do and this one is big. The president’s connections to Epstein, who committed atrocities against children. This one you cant ignore. It’s everywhere. This scandal should be thoroughly investigated. Trumps reactions to this are blatantly evasion. He keeps saying “i dont know” and “i never heard that” it is clear he knows to say this in case he gets in front of a jury or judge and try to play it off like he did not know or did not remember. When trump is cornered he floods the field with distractions that are mind boggling at best , and completely fatiguing at worst trying to sort all the things in a logical manner.
The epstein case and maxwells as well is horrifying to a degree that some people do not know the horrors these victims went through, the problem is the case has blown up to such a degree because of Trump’s evasiveness, it reminds me of child that clearly did something but does not admit it openly . As if you asked a child “What did you do?” and the child automatically says “I did not burn that forest down!” .
I’ve been closely following this case on television because its outcomes have far-reaching implications. Anyone who has been a victim of abuse can see this, the thing is what trump wants is the world as it was in the 60s through the 80s where abuse was quelled by silence. A deadly Silence. Whether it be fear, embarrassment, threats or otherwise. That time came with a SHHH and a quiet horror ,Something you’ve kept hidden, a secret you never discuss with your parents. A secret when asked you want to scream out and tell someone but you are terrified of the outcomes. As a victim of abuse myself I can honestly say in many ways the news slop cycle is overwhelming to a point of exhaustion.
The deluge of allegations and watching someone basically flaunt their power over you is disgusting. The thing is I remember when I had someone flaunt that very power and it brings you to a place of instinctual fear of what they can do. The fear of telling, the threat over you for telling. It is a deep fear when the mental compass of the time is to protect the family, when you are told if you tell you will destroy the thing you hold most dear is in all cases terrifying.
Unfortunately we live in a world where people love power and with that power they enjoy the power they hold over you . Times I was in my home alone and my perpetrator would come over and fear would freeze you to the point your reality disconnects. You are stuck in a contradictory world. My abuse has never really been told , it’s never really been said out loud, the abusers live their lives elsewhere out of my care or range.
But to any survivors out there. You can survive and thrive. The hardest victory is the one inside. To the people who did the horrors on them, They can fuck off. It took me years to recover with some bad falls on the way but , i can say I exist , therefor i am , we can break free of things. It took time. It took speaking up. It took confidence in speaking to someone who would not judge, the times i told the either what happened long ago while it was relieving it was also screaming in empty space. TO what i can say to you the reader. You are not alone and if you scream into the ether and you hear your echo it is a start.
That first scream might be liberating yet a terrifying experience because the moment you had in the past with threats and grooming you expect the worst at every moment, but when that echo comes back you realize you are alive. Nothing happened. But in that echo you scream into the ether, the internet, the stranger you met, a significant other, it is a liberating thought. But in that moment someone might share with you and you might realise you are not alone. in itself it is one of the most warming thoughts . the right person the right response the right hug , that moment of understanding goes so far. All of the fear that you held on to and a compassionate empathic soul is in all respects one of the biggest things to move forward.
Moving forward can be hard. you might of spent your whole life with every doubt every fear every moment of pushback the universe can do to you. Sometimes it’s ok to just stop , but don’t mire yourself . Even if you take that moment to go I can’t go on forever. Than don’t. Move in the moments you can stop in the moments you can rest. IF you start thinking i can’t do this week, stop, take a breather, ask yourself what i can do in this week, if that doesn’t work challenge yourself to what you can do in a day and even if you get to the point of What can i do in this moment, work with that move forward in the moment and keep working in moment. Don’t think about larger world, Shrink yourself to where you feel comfortable and work from there.
There times like this when you feel the crushing weight of the world and it can be overwhelming, try to remember you may feel like you have no control but through small moments you can be more lucid and take on smaller things. overall small direct movements and understand the moment. take a moment to yourself. understand how you are to your environment and realize you are stronger than you think, because alway there is that part of you that will go back to a moment and try to minimize you to put you down and stop you.
You can do it . small affirmation of you and your prowess to survive. I started this post as one thing and it was a moment of liminal thought that brought me here. But as i typed i felt empowered. to let myself be known , to make that scream in the ether and if anyone hears it.. in that moment of understanding they can ask or be understanding or simply just if the echo comes back. Be happy you said something.
